Photography again.....

Christmas time! When I was younger I absolutely hated the holidays. It was always a time of stress for my mom trying to get money for gifts she couldn't afford. And a stressful time for me as well for a few reasons. One I like nice things, and when I was younger I also strongly desired to fit in and look like others. But my mother couldn't afford the things that other kids had, so I got to feel bad two times. Once when what I got wasn't enough to make me fit in, and then again when I had to see how hard my mom worked to get me the few things she did get. My mom and dad were never together so that was another trigger for me. So for years I didn't like the holidays,  them coming usually gave me a lot on anxiety. But eventually I grew out of those feelings, having a job helps, and then I was able to find things I do like about the holidays. I've never decorated a Christmas tree or a stoop. But I've always admired home decorated trees and homes. There somethi...

Photo's just from walking LES late one night. Just trying to get back in the habit of taking photo's with out pressure of the end result of them, and then posting them. The actual point of this blog, and part of my grade...

Imperfections. Insecurities. Recently I've had to face some of my insecurities when it comes to my relationships. Doing so made me remember a time when I hated my body. Growing up I was always naturally thin. Growing up in a black family I was quickly told this was not a good thing. I soon desired to have a curvier body like the "more" beautiful women in my family. One day I was looking in a mirror in total disgust of my body picking it apart. And then I stopped and asked myself why I really didn't like it. Was it weak? No back in the day I was able to knock the skinnier boys on the buts, and at least wound the bigger boys if pushed(dirty fighter). Was my face not pretty? Nope I at least believed I was pretty. So why all of a sudden did I believe I was so ugly? Because I was told that my body should be different and then I would be beautiful. Thankfully because of my analytical brain this made no sense to me and I went back to loving my body and only saying wo...

Taking photo’s of loved ones. I used to be so good at taking pictures of people I knew. I usually liked those photo’s better then ones of strangers or of people I didn’t know very well. Until I meet my fiancé. He has such a great face (in my biased opinion) but every time I turn my camera on him I just get this weird face from him. Its his camera face, like how some girls do that duck face thing or how I like to show all my teeth…It's super sleepy looking and mostly all chin. But I think I’m getting the hang of capturing him. The trick is to catch him when he’s feeling good in his clothes and when he doesn’t think I’m taking his photograph!

Who am I without my doubt? When all my insecurities fall away what am I left with. That is who I am, so who am I? I feel so unsure about the answer to this question. Is it because I’m doing so may new things in my life and don’t having the support that I need to do them? Sometimes I think it’s because no one around me has been threw what I have. Usually I love this, but recently it has been making me feel very alone. Since no one around me understands my struggles, past and present, it’s hard for them to relate to me and hard for me to share my heart with them. I feel so anxious, and I’m tired of all my depressive mind chatter that I‘ve been having. Maybe it’s just my anxiety/depression disorder kicking it in to high gear because of the season…

I miss my little brother. When I younger my brother and I watched that Pixar movie Toy Story, a couple of times. Actually we loved that movie! One day we got the idea that we should have a "war" with all our toys. Toy Story Wars is what we called this game. Which pretty much translated to us lining our toys up to face each other and then taking turns bowling different toys at each other to try and knock them over. It was silly and mindless but so much fun! We used to send hours on these "wars". The other day Oscar lined up his toys by the couch. He does this alot actually, but the way he used different toys really reminded me of this game I used to play.

When things are different...I shut down because I don't deal with change very well. When things are good in my life they just seem too good and I shut down, all the while waiting for the bad to happen. I'm the main thing in my way right now.  But things are just so good that they seem like a dream, someone else's dream.  I constantly find myself starting over because I can't maintain a peaceful mind when things seem good.  I've gotten more comfortable with starting over then staying on the path even if it seems difficult. I look forward to the dawn and ignore everything when it gets dark. And whats really bothersome to me is that I've been following this pattern for a while. So know how to break it? I'm not sure, but I'm starting over since I haven't fully failed...yet. I felt like these photo's are a good representation of change. The new light(first light) coming threw in the first photo. The reflection of the light on the ceiling ar...