Photography again.....

Taking photo’s of loved ones. I used to be so good at taking pictures of people I knew. I usually liked those photo’s better then ones of strangers or of people I didn’t know very well. Until I meet my fiancé. He has such a great face (in my biased opinion) but every time I turn my camera on him I just get this weird face from him. Its his camera face, like how some girls do that duck face thing or how I like to show all my teeth…It's super sleepy looking and mostly all chin. But I think I’m getting the hang of capturing him. The trick is to catch him when he’s feeling good in his clothes and when he doesn’t think I’m taking his photograph!

Who am I without my doubt? When all my insecurities fall away what am I left with. That is who I am, so who am I? I feel so unsure about the answer to this question. Is it because I’m doing so may new things in my life and don’t having the support that I need to do them? Sometimes I think it’s because no one around me has been threw what I have. Usually I love this, but recently it has been making me feel very alone. Since no one around me understands my struggles, past and present, it’s hard for them to relate to me and hard for me to share my heart with them. I feel so anxious, and I’m tired of all my depressive mind chatter that I‘ve been having. Maybe it’s just my anxiety/depression disorder kicking it in to high gear because of the season…

I miss my little brother. When I younger my brother and I watched that Pixar movie Toy Story, a couple of times. Actually we loved that movie! One day we got the idea that we should have a "war" with all our toys. Toy Story Wars is what we called this game. Which pretty much translated to us lining our toys up to face each other and then taking turns bowling different toys at each other to try and knock them over. It was silly and mindless but so much fun! We used to send hours on these "wars". The other day Oscar lined up his toys by the couch. He does this alot actually, but the way he used different toys really reminded me of this game I used to play.

When things are different...I shut down because I don't deal with change very well. When things are good in my life they just seem too good and I shut down, all the while waiting for the bad to happen. I'm the main thing in my way right now.  But things are just so good that they seem like a dream, someone else's dream.  I constantly find myself starting over because I can't maintain a peaceful mind when things seem good.  I've gotten more comfortable with starting over then staying on the path even if it seems difficult. I look forward to the dawn and ignore everything when it gets dark. And whats really bothersome to me is that I've been following this pattern for a while. So know how to break it? I'm not sure, but I'm starting over since I haven't fully failed...yet. I felt like these photo's are a good representation of change. The new light(first light) coming threw in the first photo. The reflection of the light on the ceiling ar...

(the photo's and text don't really relate but this was just the steam of thought from this big occasion in my life.) Engagement. Marriage. Some girls grow up knowing that one day they'll find a nice guy and get married and start a family. They know this without a doubt because it's ingrained in them, because its all they see. Some girls grow up thinking that men don't stick around and that women have to do everything for themselves. This is the category I fell in. I was raised in a single parent household by my mom. My father was around but my mom didn't hide her disdain for him and all men from me or my younger brother. In me this fostered a very strong, almost dominate, energy within me. In my brother he grew lazy and did nothing to help out unless he was yelled and nagged at. I've always been praised for my strength. But its also something that I've hated as well. Because it was something that I HAD to be, I was given no choose. I never ...

So to help cure my lack luster attempts to see if I could be an artist, I decided to go to the MoMa.  It was overwhelming to say the least, and I didn't even go on the free day. I think because I was so overwhelmed the only thing that caught my eye was the esaculator and plants. I was feeling very frustrated but knew there was a festival at my temple, and I hoped I could get some good shots.  And then I got engaged! My boyfriend lured me up to the roof of our temple with big promises of food(my weakness). When I got to the roof there was rose petals everywhere! Then he got down on one knee and asked me to be his wife! 

Everything is better with a friend. I went on a photo walk with my friend this day. She's a professional photographer and was having a hard time finding inspiration in her personal photography work. She and I both shared that when we started we mainly just went outside and took pictures. I took pictures of things and she took pictures of people. I have been having a hard time recently finding the desire to pick up my camera. But I found the farmers market and being around a friend very inspiring.  I found I wasn't looking for the picture or the story, I was just looking for what caught my eye. And this day it was a tie between street art and the colors of the produce at the farmers market.

Aromatherapy and prayer. Most nights I'm up late at night praying. Seriously. Everyday I chant the Hare Krishna mantra on a mala of 108 beads. I chant the length of the mala 16 times per day. So to sum that up I chant one mantra 108 X 16. This basically means I spend about two hours everyday chanting, but to me its two hours praying. The mantra that I chant is basically the names of God, and can be translated as "Oh Lord, Oh energy of the Lord, please us me and engage me in your service." This practice is called Japa. When I chant with a crowd at my temple that's called Kirtan, but when I chant by myself on beads, that's this Japa.

Insomnia. Is it weird that the best photo's I took where at 2:30am in the morning the following day? I have struggled for years with insomnia. When I was young it was because of my anxiety and depression and when I started college it was because of anxiety, depression, and coffee. While I don't drink caffeine anymore I do still struggle with anxiety. I was really annoyed with the photo's that I took this day because they where all over the place. As I was laying in bed waiting for sleep out of habit I picked up my phone and went on Instagram. So the first photo is a product of my occasional over sharing taken with my phone. After some time had passed I looked at the clock and realized I really should go to sleep. So I rolled over in bed and then noticed the light coming in from across the room onto my bookcase. Well I'm a sucker for light like this so I took the picture. And since I hadn't been to sleep yet I besides these photo's were still taken on T...